Wednesday, March 31, 2010

How Serendipitous.

It's often so very comical and ironic how life gives you just what you need at just the right time.
After my last few posts I had really taken on a new attitude concerning the losing and gaining of relationships. I finally realized that it is so much more satisfying to remember what was good about what you had rather than being overwhelmed by the gaping hole caused by the loss.
And let me just say that it was incredibly liberating. All of my life I have been overwhelmed by the gaping hole caused by all of the losses. But I am not anymore. I gained new insight and with it revelation.
After all of this, guess who I ran into today?
My sister Misty!
I went to a store that I don't go to often and there she just like we used to do way back before things changed.
I said, "Misty!" and we rushed to each other and hugged and something within me that was broken, sewed itself back together and was whole again. A hope was renewed.
She was well, happy and lovely, which is all I have been hoping for these last three years.
We exchanged emails and phone numbers and my heart is happy to know that she is safe.
I am looking forward to whatever happens now.
Its not so often that one finds what they were hoping for so soon after they realize what it is they were seeking. So just wanted to share the rest of that story.
Thanks for reading.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

While looking back....

Recently I took a little journey through my life with music as my guide and I touched on something that I realized I needed to deal with...and it seemed fitting that I deal with it with music so here goes.

I have always loved these girls, since the day my sister said to me, listen to this... They are beautiful, soulful, talented, spirited women...I love watching them play, how they use instruments that I've never seen before, the way their voices blend together and sound just like I imagine angels should sound. I love how they took country music by storm with their sexy, folky, crooning sound. I love how they spoke their minds even when it wasn't popular.
I have honestly not listened to them though for the last three years. You see music to me is so very emotional and I connect Dixie Chicks with my sister Misty, the one who introduced me to them. I have a hard time hearing them without being reminded of my estranged relationship with her and feeling sad because I miss her and am frustrated by life and its twisty turns and I can't really have tears steaming down during carpool!
But I am trying to embrace things in life that scare me, or make me uncomfortable or sad. So tonight I am easing back into this thing that I put on a shelf.
I am letting these girls soothe my soul and I am celebrating all the things that were wonderful about my sister's friendship while I had it.
Taking the happy with the sad.
Remembering all the laughing, all the eye rolling regarding our upbringing all the fun, the singing, the sharing of our lives and our children lives.

Life is in constant motion. Always surprising us, changing just when we thought it was going to stay. I have always wanted stability and sameness so badly that I don't always allow for life to do this. I am realizing that I have to be open to the changes and embrace them whether I am ready for them or not because its never going to stop.
So I want to make the best of it.
Learning to have "wide open spaces" within me for all of the changing.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

My Life In Music

My Life In Music


It is amazing to me how integral music is to me, how it has been written into every page of my life’s story. Every memory has a song, every single one.

I hear Kenny Rogers sing ‘You Decorated My Life’ and I am 5 years old, riding in the back seat of my moms pea green pinto, the wind blows my baby fine hair and my mom is singing in the front seat.

Bonnie Tyler’s ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ comes on and I am 7 years old, Children’s Services has just taken me away from my mom and sent me to live with my dad, who I met that same day. My favorite Uncle Dave picks me up in his baby blue Chevy Luv and takes me to ice cream. As we drive, we sing this song and I am aware that someone cares about me after all.

I hear The Cars ‘Drive’ and I am 10 heading to the coast with my Uncle and Aunt to ride 4 -wheelers on the dunes, I feel the soft sand between my toes.

I hear Firehouse's ‘Love of a Lifetime’, I am 11 and thinking of this one guy who I had the biggest crush on. He turned out not to be the love of my lifetime but an unexpected and entertaining, albeit goat-loving friend, a million years later.

I can hear Bryan Adams ‘Everything I Do’ and I am 12 years old in Amy’s basement, we’re watching Robin Hood, singing along and wishing that we could be loved the way Robin loved Maid Marian.

I can hear U2's ‘With Or Without You’ and instantly I am 14 years old again in my upstairs room on Ella street that overlooked the city, where every winter, like magic, my windowsills would fill with happy little lady bugs.

I hear Starflyer 59’s ‘Leigh and Me’ and I am 16 and toying with the idea of really being in love, stolen kisses and fingers intertwined and then heartbreak when it was over.

I hear Gin Blossoms ‘Follow You Down, Till I Hear it From You’ and I am 17, I just surprisingly stumbled onto the love of my life.

I hear Everything But the Girl’s ‘Get Me’ and I am 18 and driving to the ocean with my Matty, happy and loved.

I hear Green Day’s ‘Time of Your Life’, its 1998 and I am planning my wedding.

I hear Frankie Vallie’s ‘Can’t Take My Eyes off You’ and I am rushing down the aisle with my love after we are pronounced husband and wife, July 25th 1998.

Enya softly plays ‘Wild Child’ and instantly it’s the year 2000, I am holding my oh-so tiny son and his little baby head is the sweetest smell in the world. It’s the beginning of something more beautiful than I had never even imagined.

Natalie Maines soulfully croons ‘Godspeed’ and its 2004, the force of the love I feel for my sons hits me so hard that tears unbidden spring from my eyes and happily slide down my face. I hold my newborn son in one arm and my oldest in the other, our family is complete. I am fully and completely surrounded by love, more love than I knew existed.

‘Landslide’ by Dixie Chicks plays and its 2006. I am riding in the car with my sister, we sing the songs on this album countless times (on our way to jointly purchase diapers) creating a beautiful harmony and bonding together like we were never able to do as children.
As I write this I cry happy tears because of the memories we created and heartbroken tears because I miss her so much.

I hear ‘My Humps’ and am teleported to a wedding reception with my photographer best friend, on a beautiful summer day in 2007. I am assisting today. We over come surprise that these particular wedding guests would play Black Eyed Peas then proceed to shake the junk in our trunks, giggling all the while.

Taylor Swift sings ‘Romeo and Juliet’ and it’s 2009, I am in my kitchen with a beloved friend who has become a much needed sister. We sing along and pour out our love, baking it into delicious things for our families. She is the inspiration for this journey through the music of my life.
Ashley, thank you for all of the songs, the meals, the laughs and the love; May we still be singing when we are one hundred.

Sunday, March 21, 2010


I am happy to say that I can officially check off a life goal from my list of to do's.
Yesterday I had my first publication come out.
Its for an non-profit e-magazine called Mused.

You can check it out here:


I think mine is on page 43.
Probably more to come in the future.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Me 3/17/10

I am who I am
I cry when I see an old man at the cemetery staring down at a headstone adorned with flowers.
I hug my friends and loved ones. I even kiss their cheeks.
I make cookies and share them with everyone I know.
I cry when I see anyone else cry, even on television.
I look at my hands sometimes and see my mom’s hands and for a moment in a very private place within myself I miss and love her.
I bite my lips and squeeze my earrings when I am nervous.
I have a panic attack if I have to speak in front of a crowd.
When I hold a baby I smell its sweet little baby head.
I lose myself instantly in a good story.
I am going to travel the world someday with my husband who is the best person I know.
I still sort of believe in magic and fairies.
I am a good listener and people find it very easy to talk to me.
I look at my sons and am humbled to my core that they came from me and they will be better than me.
I look back with awe and wonder, a little twinge of sadness and immense hope on my life thus far.
I really do want to be the best version of myself; I don’t care if it sounds stupid or idealistic.
I like to think that I am a realist but probably I am an optimist.
I am cheesy and corny and sentimental.
I am fun and impulsive and silly.
I am beautiful and simple and complex.
I am who I am.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Monday, March 8, 2010

Yes Please.

I gots the feva...I want it bad!!

Friday, March 5, 2010

Dress Jackets

I love the idea of a jacket that doubles as a dress, throw on a pair of jeans and sexy heels and of course your dress jacket and you are good to go!
Just don't take off your jacket unless you remembered a shirt.

Buy for around $70

Wednesday, March 3, 2010